Family friends. Husband's friend: influence on the family, attitude towards friendship, struggle for attention and advice from psychologists Husband and family friend

I remember my surprise when my beloved teacher, to whom the girls and I confided our heartfelt secrets - who liked whom - told us about how she got married. She and her husband studied together and were friends for a long time, well, in a simple way, and then somehow suddenly got married. It was a very happy and calm family.

It seemed to me, a maximalist teenager then, what nonsense to equate friendship too! It's such an overwhelming love, passion, longing, torment, but also sweetness. And friendship is boredom, something smooth and calm. Something opposite to love, too stable and... too responsible. With love it’s somehow simpler - you’ve stopped loving, well, what can you do, you can’t order your heart. But friendship requires much more sacrifice and effort.

Now I know that without friendship there is no love.

My husband and I have known each other for almost 20 years, and we have been friends for 20 years. Actually, our family was born and grew out of a long friendship. Friendship with all that it implies - with common interests, long conversations on various topics, disputes, trusting each other with heartfelt secrets. And at the moment when there were frustrations (or downright tragedies, how long does it take to be 17-18 years old for a tragedy) on the romantic front, a true friend was nearby. So by the time some romance, more than friendly, appeared in our relationship, he knew everything about me. And I'm talking about him.

Oh, how many nerves we saved in our family life thanks to this! And, no matter how many friends I have, girlfriends, even the oldest and most beloved ones, the best and, truly, I think, the only one, only he is my husband. Whom you trust completely and in everything, even in things that are not intended for your husband’s ears.

They say that friendship between a man and a woman is impossible. This is not true, but it is possible. Only it can end in marriage. And friendship is the strongest foundation for a family. Because passion sometimes tends to fade, or even disappear completely. And without a strong friendship, infatuation has no chance of turning into love.

I realized a long time ago that nothing good can come from a marriage according to the principle “You are Orthodox, I am Orthodox, that means everything will be fine with us.” It will be possible, but not for long. At the first pious impulse. But rather, there will be the appearance that everything is good and correct. But, if there are no common interests besides faith, if there is not at least some commonality of characters, views, tastes, a similar sense of humor in the end, then very soon everything will begin to fall apart.

And in the best case, family life will continue out of inertia, out of habit, or out of a naked sense of duty. A sense of duty that will collapse at the first sign of passion, any passion - be it carnal passion or love of alcohol, or irritability, or stinginess, or whatever. Or the wife will become insufficiently pious for her husband (or vice versa) and endless pressure and humiliation will begin...

But in addition to all this, a person can also experience a crisis of faith. Or even leave the church completely. And then what will bind the spouses? What will save them and help those who lose this faith to get out? I'm afraid nothing. Because there is no trust in your other half, but there is doubt as to whether this is your half... And this “half” does not really strive to be a support, because it is consumed by bitterness, resentment, and simple family concerns.

Alas, I see more and more sad examples when a family is tormented by two crises at the same time - faith and family. For some reason, it often “sausages” men like this. And in this case, it is not even clear who has it harder - the woman who has no time to suffer much, because she has children in her arms and needs to think about what to do next, or a man who suddenly finds himself in the full feeling that absolutely everything in life was wrong, and especially marriage . Outwardly, of course, it’s harder for a woman (to be honest, in such situations I’m more on their side), but what about in reality? Who has more opportunities not to lose heart, in the literal and figurative sense of this expression?

To be honest, it’s even difficult for me to imagine this feeling - that you never really loved your spouse, and that something vague and abstract once connected you. I think this is very scary and painful.

I do not at all want to say that this can only happen in an Orthodox family, with people who got married in a neophyte impulse - an impulse of passion that connected “ordinary”, non-church people in this sense is no more reliable.

And even if the family does not fall apart, but is held together by a sense of duty or inertia, is it really a family? When the husband doesn’t want to go home, but the wife is happy if he stays late at work, when there is nothing to talk about except the budget, when either indifference or irritation hangs in the air all the time. And not temporarily, but forever. This may sound gloomy, but personally I think there is no way out of this situation. It's sad, but the moment was missed at the very beginning. Probably, in the case of a very strong-willed and responsible person who is ready to love the unloved, a breakthrough and a miracle happens. But, alas, I have not seen such cases.

In general, no matter how you look at it, you can’t go anywhere in marriage without friendship. I can give a lot of examples, not from books or even from the stories of “acquaintances,” but from my observations.

Here are families with one child, ordinary average, non-believers: the husband proposed to his wife very romantically, without close acquaintance and, especially friendship, without really knowing anything about her, they quickly got married, quickly got tired of each other, live by inertia, run the household together and They raise a child and don’t argue much. The wife says - oh, how nice it is when he leaves for a day. I remember that it was a shock for me when I first heard it. And this was at the beginning of family life, of all the participants in the conversation, I was married the longest at the time of that conversation, and I suffered terribly when my husband went to work for a day. And now I’m not at all surprised by such words (I don’t know what men say, I’m talking more about women), because I hear it very often, alas.

There are such striking examples from families of believers when people who are radically different got married, but both are Orthodox, which means everything will be fine and correct. And this led to the most tragic consequences, even worse than those of non-believers.

But here are families in which the spouses studied together (they hung out in various common get-togethers, were camp counselors, had some kind of common hobby), no special romance in the generally accepted sense, long friendship, for many for some time even without a shadow of thoughts about marriage and “relationships” - and now people have been together for many years, and they only become more interesting with each other. What's the secret?

There is no secret - ordinary friendship. Don't look for romance, passion, tears and sighs, but just look for a friend with whom you are interested and whom you trust. And then, you see, cordial relationships will appear.

It’s not for nothing that there is such an ancient name for a loved one - dear friend.

Good day to all....
My story began not so long ago. I met my future husband several years ago. I was 20 years old, he was 23. It was love at first sight. We met for a week, he proposed, We got married, we had a daughter. Let me tell you right away, he is a wonderful family man, a caring father, he loves me, but very rarely expresses it emotionally. After giving birth, we became less close, the child is small, and I didn’t look my best, to put it mildly. So it seemed like our life wasn’t bad.. We have a family friend, if possible That’s what to call him, More precisely, he’s my husband’s best friend. He often visited us, but other than hello, how are you, our communication was no different. He worked in another city. It all happened at the beginning of last year, after moving back he began to visit us quite often. I never looked at him as a man. He is not handsome, my husband is much more attractive, I never liked his lifestyle our friend (Sasha) and how he communicates with girls. And then something inexplicable to me happened. I was in the hospital with the child and it was already the day of discharge and my husband could not come to pick us up, he asked Sasha to come. Sasha took us home, helped me carry my bag, and as I closed the door, I caught his gaze on me, incomprehensible and strange to me. After that, we rarely saw each other, but I began to look at him like a woman looking at a man, and not like a friend looking at a friend. But everything passed quickly and I forgot about it until the next meeting. Summer came and Sasha invited my husband and me for a walk, we went to the bar, sat and chatted nicely and went to our house at home, the gatherings continued with jam and tea, we chatted and laughed. My husband went to bed, Sasha and I sat in the kitchen and continued talking, We always shared our problems with each other, our victories with everyone. After talking all night, we finally went to bed. In the morning, my husband went to work. I woke up, my daughter was still sleeping, I went to wake up Sasha. With the words weirdo, wake up, I I started to wake him up, waking up and saying that I was a terrible person, Sasha grabbed me by the leg and threw me on the bed and hugged me. I’m in shock, because I didn’t expect this, - your heart is beating strongly, he said. It’s beating because of that I'm shocked. What are you doing??
I just want to hug you...

I got up and went to make coffee. Sasha came and we sat down to drink coffee. He - I’m just like that, I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I said, come on, forgot everything was fine. After that we didn’t see each other for about 2 weeks. Then Sasha came to visit us. And we again found ourselves in hugs... and this went on for quite a long time, about a month, we hugged and chatted, it was
O
no kisses, no intimacy. We joked with him and said that this was very strange. The next month, at the next moment of our embrace, he kissed me... and that’s probably where it all started. There was no intimate life with my husband. But Sasha is different He
gentle, affectionate, caring. We couldn’t sleep for a long time, as soon as it came to this, he couldn’t then I. We felt that we were betraying a loved one, but we were drawn to each other. And it still happened. We felt good together and At the same time, I felt very bad that I was cheating on my husband, that I was betraying him. I was looking for an excuse for myself.
that my husband could also cheat on me. There were reasons to think so... and I simply didn’t have enough affection and care from him, and endless conversations on this topic did not give any results.... So 6 months passed. Sasha and I were like schoolchildren in love hiding in the corners. He never said that he loved me. But I felt that he had some feelings for me. He affectionately called me a little girl. He and I agreed that when our obsession ends, we will still communicate. But after he didn’t come to the meeting on my birthday. And now for 2 months he hasn’t answered calls or letters. We stopped communicating. I call him, he doesn’t answer the phone, and my mind has become clouded, I’ve become obsessed with him. I call, write I ask him to simply explain the reason for leaving, why?? he didn’t explain anything, he just disappeared. I understand that we cannot be together. Because I will never destroy a family, a child must have a father. I understand that I treated my husband like the last woman who betrayed him, although he doesn’t know anything, but I’m disgusted by all this. I don’t know why I continue to write to Sasha, because he’s everything - still doesn’t answer. It’s so disgusting in my soul, I really want to heal from this addiction, but I can’t, I constantly think about him, about what happened, I go over that day before he disappeared, every minute, second, I remember every word , why did he do that... Everything is aggravated by the fact that I communicate very well with his mother, and of course I’m interested in how Sasha is doing. Sasha stopped communicating with many people, went headlong into business. He told her that he was in a relationship. What’s his name throw it out of my heart, get over it, forget not to write and call into emptiness......Knowing myself, if he had come and said everything directly honestly, I would not have called or written to him and we would have just quietly parted ways, time would have passed and we would have become communicate as before when they were just friends, but without saying or explaining anything.... it’s a shame that the person did this.
Sorry for the confusion of the text, it’s just a real mess in my head, it seems to me that my mind has gone to a psychiatric hospital

The topic of husband's friends is quite painful for many women who are not eager to share their precious spouse with someone else. Usually wives treat their husband's friends with great hostility and hatred, but this is not the rule.

The presence of friends and relationships with them leave a certain imprint on family relationships. The influence of relationships with friends should not be underestimated, since they, like ties with parents, often turn out to be more stable than family ties. Any attempts by a husband or wife to break such ties or impose their friends on them can have a negative impact on the family. These kinds of problems arise in almost every family. Why does this happen?

Friends of spouses are the cause of disputes and conflicts in the family, especially at the beginning of married life. Before the wedding, each spouse had friends who were connected by interests, common views on life, memories, etc. Since friends receive less attention after the wedding, naturally, they begin to be jealous and by any means, under any pretext, drag their husband out to friendly gatherings in cafes, bars, bathhouses, etc. This is no longer good.

If friends do not yet have a family, this does not mean that they can tear their dear spouse out of his family. What kind of woman would like this, especially if after such pastimes the husband returns home drunk? Dislike for your husband’s friends can also be caused by the fact that, at any opportunity, they can say unpleasant things about their spouse, for example, “She doesn’t know how to cook” or “She’s not beautiful at all,” or “You shouldn’t have married her at all.” . This kind of hostility towards friends especially arises if a woman becomes an involuntary witness to such a conversation. To tolerate such statements addressed to you, you need to have truly “iron” patience. It is better not to speak badly or critically about your husband’s friends, as this would be an unforgivable mistake. And practically nothing can be done about this, since the husband, most likely, will not refuse to communicate with old friends. Many women make a big mistake by putting their spouses before a choice. Often the choice may not be in favor of the wife. Although a husband may love his wife very deeply, he cannot refuse friends in principle.

Another reason for disliking your husband’s friends can be their abuse of your hospitality. It’s one thing when friends and your spouse go out somewhere to sit once a week or two (cafe, bar, football match, etc.), and quite another if every day at the same time in the evening you have the same same impudent “face”. In such a situation, a serious conversation with your husband is simply necessary. He must explain to his friends that he is now a family man with certain responsibilities, that he can only come to visit on certain days and times. The excessive intrusiveness of the husband's friends, their lack of basic rules of decency, when they call at any time of the day or night and ask to come to the rescue or borrow money, is also the reason for the negative attitude of wives towards their husband's friends. Any woman will not be delighted with this, to put it mildly.

An important point in the relationship between spouses is trust, so it is better not to interrogate your husband every time about how and where he spent the evening with friends. When spouses do not trust each other, family relationships deteriorate and love is lost. All women are accustomed to thinking that those places that their husbands and friends visit are hotbeds of debauchery, and that friends are trying to lead their faithful husband astray. However, this is not entirely true, since in most cases they relax there after a working day and discuss the latest news.

In general, is it worth tolerating your husband’s friends and making all sorts of concessions in this regard? If a woman loves her significant other very much and is interested in preserving the relationship and family, then she must come to terms with the presence of her husband’s friends, accept everything as it is and look for compromises.

When a woman gets married, by default she expands her circle of acquaintances to include all her husband’s friends, regardless of whether she likes it or not. If mutual sympathy does not arise between the parties, the young husband finds himself at a crossroads - to meet his wife halfway or to remain faithful to old friendships.

How can a girl improve a relationship and should she do it? Find out why the fight for the attention of a loved one with his friends can end in tears and how to prevent a family tragedy.

Opposition theory

Every man definitely needs a field for self-expression - a society and a place where he could discuss topics that interest him “without censorship” and expect a reaction of approval in return. In a family environment, a guy asserts himself differently, and normally his behavior differs significantly from what is considered permissible in male company.

At the beginning of a marriage, while the “old priorities” are still at work in the relationship and the spouses are actively trying to defend their independence, friendship can come first for a man. He tries to prove to his friends and, first of all, to his young wife that entering into a marriage is not a reason to change his habits. Usually this situation in the family lasts for the first year after the wedding, after which the husband finally leans in favor of the side where he feels most comfortable.

Male friendship: protect or destroy?

The wife’s attitude towards her husband’s friends, as a rule, is formed during the difficult period of the “first year” for the family, and if the guy spends most of his free time meeting with friends, it cannot be positive. A woman faces a choice:

• leave everything as it is and come to terms with the fact that the husband will often disappear from home;
• make friends with your spouse’s friends by introducing yourself into their company;
• get rid of unwanted people by stopping your husband’s communication with them forever.

Having chosen an option for eliminating the danger that is acceptable to her, the girl must develop tactics of behavior and follow it to the end. She needs to be prepared for the fact that, sensing opposition, her husband’s friends will try to win the man over to their side, and whether they succeed or not will depend on her personal efforts.

In some cases, male friendship can be the key to the success of the head of the family and bring him not only pleasure from communication, but also contribute to the development of his financial and social status. In this case, even if the husband’s friend does not arouse the wife’s sympathy, it is better for her to leave the negativity to herself and develop a friendly and respectful attitude towards her new acquaintance.

Why do husbands choose friends?

Unlike women, for whom friendship means the opportunity to speak out and be heard, men perceive friendly communication as an option for self-realization. In the company of like-minded people or in the company of a best friend, a husband can temporarily abstract himself from the role of breadwinner and family protector and return again to the emotional state that preceded marriage.

In what cases can a man prefer the company of his comrades to the detriment of his family?

• immature character (infancy) and unwillingness to take responsibility;
• inability to behave naturally and at ease at home;
• low authority of the wife in the eyes of her husband;
• hysterical spouse and nervous atmosphere at home;
• a common hobby with friends that has been the basis of their relationship for many years (for example, fishing);
• reluctance to cause condemnation and receive henpecked status among acquaintances.

The husband may not be aware of the reason that drives him out of the house over and over again, but if this happens, the woman should look for the problem in her own attitude towards family life, and not in her husband’s communication with his friends. To deprive him of this resource by force means to doubt his masculinity and make him look ridiculous in front of his comrades. The husband, even having submitted to such a decision of his wife, may harbor a grudge against her, which will certainly lead to mutual disappointment.

A bad friend can't ruin a good husband

Women often complain that, under the influence of their best friend, their husband suddenly changes for the worse - he starts going out, drinking and showing aggression at home. However, the ability to radically change a person’s character is not characteristic of even the worst friends. People do not change suddenly, and no external circumstances can force a man to smoke and drink if these bad habits are contrary to his inner beliefs.

Those unpleasant traits that a woman reveals in her husband during his communication with friends have, in fact, always constituted the hidden essence of his nature, developing throughout his life. But it is easier for a wife to blame unmarried or morally unencumbered acquaintances of her husband for all the misfortunes than to admit that the husband himself is ready to take up a bottle or run off to a party at the first opportunity.

Before “weaning” your spouse from friendly get-togethers, you need to ask yourself: is everything really so perfect in the family that, having lost an outlet on the side - even in the form of “bad” friends - the spouse will happily spend the whole weekend at home? Perhaps, left alone with themselves and with problems that were only covered up by external factors, the husband and wife will understand how little they have in common and how poorly they, in essence, know each other.

A fight for attention that might not have happened

The complaints of girls faced with their husband’s busy entertainment schedule sound the same: “I don’t want to communicate with my husband’s friends, but I also can’t allow him, under the influence of his friends, to slide into infidelity or alcoholism.” As a result, the wife is present at men's gatherings, not receiving any pleasure from communication and darkening the fun of the entire company with her dissatisfied appearance. Or he sits at home, stressing himself out mentally and preparing the ground for the next scandal.

In fact, if the girl bothered to be frank first of all with herself, this phrase would sound like this: “I will not allow my husband to devote his attention to anyone else but me.” The wife is offended: she works just like her chosen one, takes care of the housework and would like to receive gratitude for this. In this situation, her husband’s meetings with friends are perceived by her as a betrayal. She is nervous, fantasizes, and harasses herself and her husband with phone calls.

Having gone through a difficult period of getting used to each other, having learned to appreciate their partner and his interests (and this comes with years of marriage), women begin to regret this wasted time when they tried to control their husband’s every move. The hours spent in nervous anticipation are gone forever, and the eternal scandals that accompany each return of the spouse force him to look for new opportunities to leave home. It turns out to be a vicious circle: demanding more attention to herself and not being able to argue her right with anything other than reproaches, the woman pushes the man away even more, and true friends become his salvation from an unbearable home environment.

Proper behavior with your husband's friends

At the beginning of family life or before the wedding, that X-meeting will definitely take place, which decides the girl’s future position in the established friendly environment of her husband. If a new participant in a get-together is “not welcome” and his friends directly tell the guy about this, there is a 95% chance that he will stop inviting his girlfriend to the company.

How can a girl behave correctly in a new society, so that the friends of her loved one consider her a worthy match for their friend and do not plot against her?

1. You should immediately present yourself as an integral part of the spouse, so that friends do not even have doubts that from now on all their invitations and other issues will be considered not by one person, but by two.
2. You need to think before you speak, and not rush to take sides in conversations, since behind every event in the company there is a story that is not yet known to the new participant.
3. You cannot flirt or highlight any of your husband’s friends with your attention - such behavior of a girl will cause ridicule in his direction and will automatically impose a ban on her presence in this society.
4. You should listen more and support your spouse more often in the conversation - this will give him confidence that his choice regarding his girlfriend has become the right one.

Most likely, there will be other girls in the company of your husband’s friends. If this is the case, then it is better for the newly arrived woman to first gain their favor. Even if guys don’t advertise it in society, at home they always listen to the opinions of their girlfriends, and this factor can be decisive for their friend’s bride.

How to get your husband out of a “bad” company

If in the company of friends a man reveals only his worst qualities, which make themselves felt in the home environment, the situation urgently needs to be changed. It will not work to forbid a guy to communicate with such people. Strong relationships between husband and friend are always justified on a deep psychological level. All that remains is to cool the old friendship, introducing doubt and mutual dissatisfaction with each other drop by drop.

Here are some of the easiest ways to expel “extra” people from your spouse’s comfort zone:

• You need to praise your husband more often, saying how positive he is and at the same time wondering how he finds something in common with such a gray mediocrity as his friend.
• A girl can occasionally hint to her husband that his friend is looking at her, that she does not like his “greedy” look.
• If her husband's friend makes some mistake, the girl needs to show her grief - mostly by the fact that her friend's behavior disgraces her loved one.
• During joint gatherings, it is permissible for a woman to ask her husband’s friends “uncomfortable” questions in a friendly manner, the answers to which will not show them in the best light.

And finally, a girl should always look good and look a little helpless - then any attacks from her husband’s friends in her direction will make her husband want to protect her, to rebel against everyone.

Relationship with ex-husband's friend

Due to various circumstances, the marriage may fall apart, and some friends of the ex-spouse may turn out to be sober-minded as to take the side of the weaker half. There is nothing wrong with a girl, even after a divorce, continuing to communicate with her husband’s friend, even an ex-husband, but sometimes mutual understanding develops into a stronger feeling. It is much more difficult for guys to decide to follow it than for girls, because on one side of the scale they find themselves on the other side of the scale and on the other is a love adventure, which can either develop into a strong union or end in nothing.

For a woman, the possibility of a relationship with her husband's best friend is not so much a matter of ethics as an agreement with her own conscience. Short-sighted young ladies use such a move as revenge on their “ex” or to forget themselves with a person who “knows everything.” For a serious-minded girl, the opinion of her husband who was left behind is important. The thought “what will the ex think” lingers in a woman’s mind long after a divorce, and it is this thought that often becomes the reason why a promising friendship with her husband’s friend becomes impossible.

If the couple nevertheless decides to take an important step, the girl should remember three important “don’ts”:

• never reproach a man for betraying a comrade;
• do not compare life with a new guy with those relationships that are a thing of the past;
• do not allow the young man to think that he is being used as an instrument of revenge.

The option when men continue to be friends even after they have changed roles in relation to the girl is considered not the best. If men find a common language well, they will always be in solidarity to the detriment of anything, which means that a woman needs to be prepared for the fact that all conflicts in her new family will be viewed through the prism of a failed marriage.

Psychologist comments

When getting married, a girl prepares herself in advance for the fact that new life circumstances will force her husband to change his attitude towards friends, giving them second place on the scale of importance, but this opinion is wrong. A man does not consider his established marital status from the point of view of sacrifice; for him, marriage is a new component of a happy present, fitting in with other elements of joy, such as communication with friends.

Not a single normal man will answer positively to the bride’s question asked during premarital relations about whether he is ready to break with all friendly ties, having found family happiness. A man simply will not understand how these two moments of his cloudless future can supplant each other, and he will be right in his own way. The mistake of many young wives is that after the wedding they directly issue an ultimatum: “Either me or them!”, without even realizing that the desired effect can be achieved without squabbles and mutual accusations.

A well-groomed, affectionate, always playful wife who meets her husband in a good mood, no matter where he comes from - from work or from a friendly party - is a guarantee that within a short time new associations will form in the man’s mind. It is no longer a friend’s bachelor apartment or a cafe that will appear before his eyes when planning his next weekend, but a cozy home with a friendly hostess.

Who do you need more - family or friends? What if you had to choose - only family or only friends? It’s good that no one seriously puts us before such a choice. Because, no matter how much we love our husbands, children and parents and no matter how much we value our family, for complete happiness we miss them - these wonderful people who are ready to keep company on weekdays and holidays, who are ready to go with us to the cinema and cross the Alps. It’s never boring with them, you can discuss everything in the world with them, we don’t have any problems with them. Except...

Chatting with friends takes too much time

The idea of ​​what place friends should occupy in life is formed in childhood. Then the degree of intimacy in communication with them is determined. This largely depends on the example of parents and other relatives. A child who spent his entire childhood surrounded by a huge friendly parental company will certainly strive in the future to recreate the same type of relationship in his family. Character and temperament traits, such as sociability, play an important role. Views can change as an adult. So, for example, an overly sociable wife and a withdrawn husband sometimes seem to adopt each other’s qualities and approach the golden mean in communicating with friends.

“I like that my husband has a lot of friends. They are all cool guys, and I don’t mind their company at all. But besides joint meetings with wives and girlfriends, they only have men’s “gatherings” - a game of football, a bathhouse and beer . I have nothing against it either, but not as often. Almost every Wednesday there is football, every Friday there is a bathhouse. And all this is not even discussed - he goes there as if he were going to work. Sometimes they celebrate successful business in the same way work, sometimes - the victory of our (or not our) team. And I sit at home, re-read books."

Such complaints are not uncommon. And they are presented more often to men. Of course, it happens that a wife is prone to various hobbies outside the home, but usually these are cases when she is dissatisfied with her family life. When everything is in order, then all her hobbies are within the family, with the family and for the family. This does not mean reclusiveness and lack of any interests at all. But women complement their family life with these interests and communication with friends, while men, along with their family life, need another. Women do not necessarily need something to do in order to communicate with each other - they perceive communication itself as an activity. But men cannot “just chat” with friends, they gather for something specific. This is work, sports, collecting, hunting or fishing, as well as discussing all this over beer or in the bathhouse.

Is it possible to fight this? It is possible, and in any way. It still won’t help: either instead of one hobby there will be another (it’s quite possible that you won’t like it even more), or instead of old friends new ones will appear (also unknown), or there will be no friends left at all.

It’s better to pay attention to the positive aspects of such a pastime.

You have stable free time, and shaping, a beauty salon, a hairdresser are at your disposal (without remorse: how is your loved one?). And you have an active husband, satisfied with himself - and therefore with everyone around him. Why not a gift?

By the way, people who do not face any obstacles in communicating with friends are usually able to refuse it if necessary. But the forbidden fruit, as you know, is doubly attractive.

Friends don't like me

"My husband can't stand my girlfriend. She talks nonsense, laughs too loudly, comes too often unannounced and is a bad influence on me. Of course, he doesn't kick her out of the house, but he does everything in his power to make her leave on her own. She sits there looking bored , yawns, answers questions: “Yes” - “No.” I tried to talk to him on this topic - I would like a good relationship, but he is adamant: “From the outside it is clearer what kind of person she is. If you want, communicate, but without me." ...Now conflicts with her and I began to arise on this basis. Well, shouldn’t we tell her to come when her husband is not at home?"

We cannot love all people, and it is likely that we do not really like some of the relatives and friends of our chosen one. Cases of extreme hostility happen quite rarely, but still the folk wisdom about “my friend’s friend” is not always confirmed. Why? People may have different needs for communication, and then cheerful friendly parties that turn into matinees delight and amuse one of the spouses, but irritate and completely unsettle the other. Another reason for such a cool attitude may be simple jealousy. It’s difficult to admit this, but what else can you call the feeling that your loved one feels very good with someone else, that he needs this other no less than you, that they are connected by warm memories and many mutual acquaintances?

Well, in the end, we may not like someone because... we just don’t like them. Those who are interested in psychoanalysis can figure out why exactly in a couple or three years, but it’s probably more important to decide on their behavior.

So, first thing. Whatever feelings you have towards your husband’s friends (anyone’s friends in general), you must admit that this is their right. Think about why these friends are so dear, what do they give psychologically? What ensures such a strong relationship?

Be moderate in your criticism. Statements like: “What can you have in common with such people, what can you talk about with them!?” - will definitely lead to resentment and even conflict, because it is known that people who are somewhat similar are friends. You can say that you don’t like a specific action or something specific in behavior, but don’t touch your appearance, intelligence, moral qualities.

If you really don't like interacting with these people, try to agree without hard feelings about spending time separately.

And finally, the exact opposite advice: try to organize as many joint events as possible with them. It is possible that, having seen people in different life situations and recognized all their qualities, you will change your attitude towards them and love them simply as family.

Friends like me too much

“My husband cannot be introduced to anyone. As soon as some friend of mine appears, he begins to look after her in every possible way. All this is done under the pretext of hospitality, but, you know, with my aunt he is not nearly as polite and prudent. I’m already afraid invite new acquaintances to the house, because all these pleasantries, sweet jokes, searching for mutual acquaintances just got to me.”

There are probably very few people who, being happily married, would never flirt. Having chosen just one, we continue to communicate with different people, including representatives of the opposite sex, including those we like. In general, it is believed that any relationship between a man and a woman, even professional, has a hint of courtship and play.

Moderate flirting is harmless and even, perhaps, useful. New experiences and confirmation of your attractiveness to other people have a positive effect on your mood and revitalize your relationship with your partner. But everyone has different ideas about what is acceptable in such frivolous courtship and what is not. It’s good if the husband and wife have the same ideas. If one of them considers a playful compliment to a “stranger” lady in the presence of his wife to be the height of debauchery, and the other does not see anything reprehensible in this, it is unlikely that communication in a mixed-sex company will be equally pleasant for both.

Of course, it cannot be said that such friendships never turn into more serious relationships. In life, as they say, there is a place for everything, and many life dramas begin from the moment someone introduced his wife or husband to his own friends. So maybe it's safer to have no friends at all? Hardly. If a person has an internal readiness for a new romance, he will start one - and with anyone. Therefore, it is better to take care of relationships within the family, to maintain mutual interest, and to ensure that the routine of everyday life and conflict clashes do not force one to strive to find new options. On the other hand, avoid provocations. If you ask your friend to stay at the camp site with your husband and child in your absence and live with them in the same house, then don’t complain after a week that they have a very warm relationship.

Friends influence behavior

It is important to us what others think of us, and therefore our behavior is not always sincere: we behave in the way that we want to create about ourselves. In relation to the topic of communication between family and friends, it may look like this. The husband comes home from work, the wife and her friends are drinking coffee at home and discussing shopping. Seeing her husband, the wife says: “Dear, I’m so tired, please prepare dinner. By the way, I forgot to buy groceries - go to the store quickly. Well, we’re waiting for you.” And if the husband is a non-conflict person, he will go to the store, and his girlfriends will ask for advice on how to tame a man to such an extent. This is what everything was started for - to show their superiority in relationships.

There are many options for how to show this. A husband can, in the presence of friends, tell stories about certain girls he knows, call someone back in such a way that his wife has nothing to complain about, but so that everyone understands: he is a free man who is popular, and his wife tolerates all this because she is very loves.

“We quarrel every time after guests visit. Because my husband makes so many comments to me every time, both with and without reason. No matter what I do, it’s all wrong: “Lenochka, who does this? The wine doesn’t need to be refrigerated, it’s even written here - for those who are especially literate.” Or: “Of course, you didn’t buy what I asked for, I only said twice, not ten.” He treats me like I’m a fool, but then he says that these are just humorous remarks. And usually (without guests) he does not behave like that. On the contrary, he himself helps me, gives in and, of course, does not allow himself such rude jokes."

Those who actually do not possess this superiority, and those who actually experience uncertainty or even inferiority in their family situation are prone to such a demonstration of superiority. To fix this, it may not be enough to simply have a frank conversation with your partner and ask them to behave more tactfully. It is better to figure everything out with the help of a family psychologist. Several joint visits will be very beneficial for the psychological health of the family.

Conflicts with friends

“For several years we were friends with the same married couple - Andrei and Masha. We vacationed together in the south, and somehow the relationship immediately developed. We discovered many common interests, we understood each other perfectly, and our children are almost the same age. In addition, They have such wonderful relationships with each other that we, apparently under the influence of the example, have fewer conflicts. In general, I was very glad that we had such friends. But a few months ago, my husband had a serious fight with Andrey. The reason is Andrey He promised something, but didn’t do it in a timely manner, as a result, the husband let down people whose connections were very important at work, etc. This is what my husband told me. Andrey told his wife differently, so it’s difficult to find out the real reason. Yes "It doesn’t matter to me what happened. But now it’s impossible to communicate. Masha and I first tried to somehow return everything, but it didn’t work out: our husbands are adamant and turn us against each other too."

It is a pity to lose a relationship, even if there is a reason for a serious conflict. And I would like to avoid this, because with age, new friends appear less and less often. Everyone understands this, but often with a delay, when it is already difficult to regain what was lost.

• It is better not to have professional or any business relationships at all with friends and relatives. Too often this ends in conflict. A person can be a good friend, but at the same time not be as competent an employee as you expected. Appreciate your friends for the qualities that they have and that make your friendship possible.
• High demands on people and on oneself certainly ensure social stability. But, you must admit, good people also sometimes do bad things. If we end relationships with everyone who did not behave as we expected and as we considered correct, then... in a few years, we will be celebrating the New Year completely alone.
• If it is not you, but your other half, who is involved in the conflict, then do not add fuel to the fire, but, on the contrary, smooth out the severity of the situation. Men conflict over business problems - and then the wife can try to convince her that in life there is not only business, but also just human communication. Women, on the other hand, quarrel more often over interpersonal issues. A husband who thinks that this is mere nonsense can lead his wife to think that she shouldn’t take it so seriously who said what wrong.
• No matter how angry you are with the person, try to follow the basic rules of behavior in conflict: analyze the specific situation, not personal qualities; talk more about your feelings, rather than stigmatize; do not discuss relatives or make predictions about children; do not threaten and do not bring the situation to the point of saying “never”.
• Don’t be afraid to take the first step towards reconciliation, and maybe even apologize for saying too much in a fit of anger. You will only benefit from this.
• Don't try to remember grievances for the rest of your life. In addition to the fact that they slow down the restoration of relationships with other people, they can affect your own condition and worsen your health.
• Try to look at the whole situation from the outside, through the eyes of a complete stranger. Imagine what the other side is saying about the conflict. Think about why your friend or girlfriend in the recent past did exactly that, why they said those exact words. Definitely - because they are also emotional and they also have some claims to a certain attitude towards you.
• Try looking a few years ahead. What happens if you end the relationship completely? What will you lose and what will you gain? Now make a choice - to remain your friendship in the past or continue in the present and future.

P.S. It’s not the rule of psychologists to insist (let alone press), but if you chose the first option, do this whole procedure in a month. Everything in the world is changing, and so is our perception of this world. And friendship is too great a value to lose because of petty personal ambitions.