Beating of children is a common phenomenon, although carefully hidden from prying eyes. What to do if a mother or stepfather abuses a child? Where should I report information about neighbors’ abuse of children? What should a teenager who is beaten at home do? You will find answers to these questions in our article.

Parents beat their child, what should I do?

In Russia, 40% of serious violent crimes are committed in families. Children also suffer. They are killed, raped, beaten. As a rule, the torment of a child and the inappropriate behavior of fathers and mothers are noticeable to neighbors, but not every one of them knows where to turn for help.

The Criminal Code does not provide for liability for failure to report cases of beating of children to law enforcement agencies; this is a matter of conscience.

Caring people have many ways to protect a child within the framework of the law. To do this, there is no need to even enter into direct conflict with the offenders. There are structures that are obliged to ensure the safety of a child upon learning that he is being beaten.

Where to go if neighbors beat a child?

Where to turn if parents beat their children depends on the specific situation.

If you directly witness parents brutally beating a child, call the police. A squad will arrive when called. Employees will record fact of beating and the child will be sent for a medical examination. Based on the conclusion of the forensic expert, it will be decided what type of liability can be brought against abusive parents. In any case, the question of temporary isolation of a beaten child and the restriction of parental rights for criminals will definitely arise. Further deprivation of rights to children in court cannot be ruled out.

More often, neighbors do not see that a child is being beaten, but information about the beating leaks out in other ways, for example:

• in the neighbors’ apartment they often yell, make trouble, and hear a child crying;
• the child appears on the street exhausted, fearful, abrasions and bruises are visible on his body;
• the mother or legal representative of the child avoids talking about his psychological and physical condition;
• other children who know him or her tell about the beating of a child by his mother, father or stepfather, or relatives;
• Other neighbors, who are not ready to go anywhere officially with their suspicions, gossip about the cruel treatment of parents and children.

In cases where it is not known for certain whether the parents are beating the child, but there is still a need to check, you should contact:

• to the local police station. If the work of the district police officer does not inspire confidence, you can send a statement or make an appointment with a higher authority;
• to the guardianship and trusteeship authorities. This is a body whose powers allow it to carry out appropriate checks, involve the police, and file lawsuits in court;
• to the prosecutor's office. This supervisory body has the broadest powers and capabilities, including the ability to check the work of both police officers and guardianship employees;
• to the Commissioner for Children's Rights. It should be borne in mind that the commissioner will need to send requests and requests for inspections to the police, guardianship or prosecutor's office, and this will take time;

Turning to the media for help is becoming popular. However, it is necessary to understand that communicating with a journalist is one thing, open judgment, for example, on social networks is another matter. It is possible to go from being a public defender to becoming a victim of criminal prosecution. Therefore, wherever you decide to go with a statement that a child is being beaten, consult a lawyer to avoid mistakes.

What should a teenager who is beaten at home do?

A teenager who is being bullied at home should first seek help at school. It is enough to contact any teacher who inspires trust. The teacher, in turn, will independently contact the guardianship authorities. Employees will check and notify the police.

You can trust your friends who will tell their parents, let your relatives and neighbors know - they will decide where to turn. If there are no people who would like to open up, but there are bruises from beatings, something hurts (there may be internal injuries) - you need to go to the emergency room. It is not necessary to tell who beat, where they beat and when. Doctors are required by law to report injuries to the police, and they are required to find out who beat the child.

Many teenagers are afraid to reveal the situation to others. But the pain and humiliation should not be endless. If you don’t want to seek help anywhere, you just need to not hide your physical injuries. Both school employees, acquaintances, neighbors, and caring people will definitely notice this and provide help. The police and guardianship authorities will figure it out themselves and protect the teenager who is being beaten.

Article for child abuse

Punishment for child abuse is inevitable. Any violent actions that cause physical pain are subject to a fine of up to 30 thousand rubles, arrest for up to 15 days, and compulsory labor for up to 120 hours. Responsibility for beatings with hooligan motives:

• compulsory work up to 360 hours;
• correctional labor for up to 1 year;
• restriction of freedom up to 2 years;
• forced labor for up to 2 years;
• arrest for up to six months;
• imprisonment for up to 2 years.

If a child is physically injured, even slightly, the liability is greater. The applicable articles of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation in this case depend on the severity of the damage. The severity of bodily injuries (external and internal) is determined based on the conclusion of a forensic expert.

Intentional infliction of physical or mental suffering on a minor through systematic beatings or violent acts is punishable under Art. 117 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation. The penalty is imprisonment for a term of 3 to 7 years.

In addition to responsibility for pain, torture, and harm to the health of the child, his parents or legal representatives are responsible for cruel treatment. The punishment for this is:

• fine up to 100 thousand rubles. or in the amount of the perpetrator’s income for a period of up to a year;
• compulsory work up to 440 hours;
• correctional labor for up to 2 years;
• forced labor or imprisonment for up to 3 years with possible deprivation of the right to engage in certain activities for up to 5 years.

Summary

The fact that a child is beaten is always visible to caring people around him. They are able to seek protection from various structures. The penalties for child abuse are severe. If you don’t know what’s the best thing to do in a particular situation—where exactly to turn to protect the rights of a child or, conversely, how to get rid of false accusations—our lawyers will help you. You can get advice through the website chat or by calling us at the specified phone numbers.

Parents beat a child. What should a teacher do?

School psychologists comment on the situation

Every teacher's day is filled with events, emotions, disappointments and surprises. Among this motley heap of events, there are those that cling and disturb, and do not let go because of their intractability. For example, when you witness parental abuse of their child. Teachers rarely discuss such cases. Probably because they know: there is no constructive way out here. However, sometimes the question is so haunting that you want to at least hear the opinion of your colleagues. As in the letter that recently arrived in the newspaper.

“One of the most difficult questions in my entire teaching life is probably the inability to decide to what extent I can contrast my position with that of a parent.
There was a boy in my class who was severely punished by his father. Simply put, he beat. Not in the heat of the moment or out of drunkenness, but “for educational purposes.” He came to pick up his son from school, saw traces of some kind of offense (for example, Alyoshka turned out to be hot and sweaty in the first days after a long illness) and said in a completely calm, iron voice: “You were told not to run. Get ready. At home you will be punished." I had a feeling that they would beat me...
Since attempts to indirectly or directly talk about the inadmissibility of this failed - they made it clear to me that this was not my business, the parents were responsible for upbringing - I could only cover the boy with lies. When asked about my successes and progress in the program, I always cheerfully answered that “everything is fine,” there are no problems. And Alyoshka himself constantly heard these pathetic lies of mine, although today he made more mistakes than usual, and he came home sleepy, and while walking he and his friend dunked someone in the snow... But everything is fine. He, of course, understood why. And I honestly tried so that I had to lie less. He was such an adult, serious, although small.
And the rest of the guys, by the way, heard it too. When children are taken care of by their parents, someone is always spinning under their feet. But in many situations I explained to them that I hate lying - it’s humiliating and disgusting.
I must say, this is exactly how I felt every time. And I couldn’t find a way out. I still don’t know how it should have been done correctly. Both that time and in other situations. When parents humiliated a child in the presence of strangers. When a mother, obsessed with religion, forced her teenage daughter to keep a strict fast (one day she couldn’t even drink). But the girl has diseased kidneys, and at thirteen years old she always wants to eat, and the whole class goes to the cafeteria together.
Or is there no such thing as right here? When your values ​​and methods are fundamentally at odds with your parents’, no matter what you do, everything is not good.
To resist, to actively oppose oneself to parents - no, it’s not good. Why drag a child in different directions, tear it alive? Actually, this is their child. On the one side. On the other hand, he is not property; after all, he is not a serf.
It is also impossible to reconcile and pretend that nothing is happening.
Elena Grigorieva, teacher"

“Try to invite parents to dialogue”

The mismatch between parent and teacher is a rather complex problem. When it comes to physical punishment, it is necessary to address not only the psychological aspect of the discrepancy between the requirements for the child and the methods of education on the part of teachers and parents, there are social and legal aspects. However, let's dwell on the psychological aspect of the stated situation.
The first moment is when a parent hits a child.
The second point is that the teacher covers up the child’s mistakes in order to protect him from punishment. At the same time, he experiences internal discomfort.
Considering the first moment of this situation, let's ask the question: why does a parent beat his child? The more we think about it, the more versions we will discover. On the surface there are the following assumptions:
– he doesn’t know other methods, he was raised that way too;
– feeling not very successful, the parent tries to compensate for this feeling at the expense of the child (“Be successful, I will be proud of you, I will relieve the stress of my own failures”);
– again, an unsatisfied sense of power, unrealized in social life, begins to appear very distorted in relationships with the child;
– accumulated tension and irritation make themselves felt in the relationship with the child (he is the most defenseless).
To protect a small child, you must first of all work with the parents.
Most likely, it is useless to tell a parent who hits a child, “that’s not the method,” or to explain to him that he hits from a feeling of powerlessness, uncertainty and anxiety. It is better to encourage parents themselves to speak out about parenting methods. You can discuss the following questions with your parents at a meeting: “Do you think a frightened, downtrodden child can be successful?”, “What parenting methods do I remember from my childhood and why?” In general, you can speculate on the topic “Do happy people beat their children?” A parent should not be at school in the role of a student to whom complaints are made (“That’s not how you educate”). Teacher's lectures addressed to him can only aggravate unpleasant school memories, which will provoke negative feelings towards the child. Therefore, the parent is only an equal participant in the discussion.
You can also ask him about his attitude to different methods of education, just ask, and not say the right words about the inadmissibility of punishment. When a person is asked, he begins to at least think about the question, and there is hope that the emergence of thoughts will influence his behavior.
The third point is the teacher’s “white lie” and her experience of this lie. The teacher would have experienced the same feelings, and perhaps even stronger ones, if, telling the truth, she then imagined scenes of punishment. Caring people face such internal conflicts. We can say that in this situation she is saving the child as best she can. And the feeling of powerlessness is due to the fact that the teacher’s behavior can be called “passive saving.” Perhaps it will be easier for the teacher if he discusses with the child - and if he is a teenager, then this is simply a must - the current situation. He will talk as if he were an equal participant in an unpleasant situation. The fact is that along with gratitude to the teacher for the “silence”, the child can begin to use this behavior of the teacher. It is impossible to give a clear prescription for such conversations - it all depends on the characteristics of the parent’s behavior.
I see a way out in the purposeful, systematic work of teachers, psychologists and parents to competently build relationships with children, even in stressful times for us, even when there is discord in the family, at work, in the country.

Alla FOMINOVA, Candidate of Psychological Sciences

“Think about whether you are ready to take responsibility”

One of the most difficult situations for a teacher is to witness an educational process that goes against his own values. At these moments, the internal dialogue (or better said, polylogue) intensifies. Parts of the personality begin to argue and push for opposite actions.
One part requires you to intervene and protect the child from punishment. Another demands to refrain from interfering, because this is not his son or daughter. As a result, the poor teacher becomes extremely confused and suffers in any case.
If he allowed himself to interfere, he could be insulted and/or his intervention could lead to an even worse result than if he did nothing. I resisted - my conscience torments me for a long time: why didn’t I intervene?
A very difficult choice. In order to say something to your parents in such a situation, you need to very well imagine the consequences of your action. By interfering, we pretend to be a participant in the situation who is able to cope with it (sometimes we are deliberately provoked to do this, and often we get caught...). However, hand on heart, are we able to act in such a way that it would be for the benefit of this family?
We see only the tip of the iceberg of family problems. Can we be sure that by intervening we are doing something better for the parent-child pair? Do we ask ourselves the question: are we ready to work with the consequences of our intervention, to take on such responsibility?
Nobody argues that it is not easy to restrain emotional impulses. But allowing yourself to act under the influence of emotions, without taking responsibility for the consequences, believing that by the very fact of intervention we have by definition improved the matter, is a deep illusion.
This is a common form of self-deception: we couldn’t restrain ourselves, spoke out, intervened - and we justify ourselves: this is what kind of defender of justice I am. This brings no real benefit to anyone, only partial relief for ourselves at the moment of speaking out.
In what cases should you say something to the parent doing the punishment? My opinion - although it may seem cruel - is not until one of them comes to us with a request for this, parent or child.
And be able to do all this without offensive, teaching intonations. After all, we have not been – and never will be – in the shoes of this adult; we do not know how he perceives the situation. And if a child is converted, it is important not to fall into the temptation to become a better parent for him than his own (you are not going to adopt him, are you?). Talk to him as an adult, sympathizing, but not humiliating with your sympathy, respecting his fate and believing in his ability to cope with circumstances, without fanaticism and unnecessary pathos. Hard work.

Galina MOROZOVA, Candidate of Psychological Sciences

“Work with the child so that the parents’ attitude towards him changes”

Of course, it is important what the teacher’s current relationship with parents is.
If parents are committed to joint action with the teacher regarding their problem child, the situation is relatively mild, although here, too, mutual misunderstanding may emerge from differences in values ​​and aspirations that were not apparent for the time being.
The second plot is the initial distancing of parents from the teacher.
A possible teacher strategy in this case is to work with the child’s problems and constantly demonstrate to parents the results and progress. The awareness and discovery by parents that something positive is happening to their son or daughter and that the teacher “has something to do with it” can soften the relationship, and parents will begin to “hear” the teacher not only about “work” situations.
Finally, the most difficult plot: parents do not hide their negative, sometimes aggressive, attitude towards the teacher, and behind this lies a value confrontation.
There are two options for the teacher here. A rarer, almost fantastic way: ideological dispute, discussion. This is possible if parents (and teachers) are ready for such discussions. A more realistic way is to shift responsibility, at least partially, from oneself and share it with other workers: from the administration and psychologist, to social authorities in the event of a threat to the child’s health.
Of course, these ideas are still abstract. We must not forget about the age of the student, we must take into account the reaction of the class and all other circumstances.

Sergey POLYAKOV, Doctor of Pedagogical Sciences

Just one “educational” blow can cause serious health problems. Increasingly, the media are talking about cases where, in the course of “upbringing,” parents who cannot control themselves maim or even kill their children.

Beating a child by his parents

Often in response to an allegation of child abuse parents motivate their actions by the accepted method of education. And they refer to traditions accepted in the family, according to which disciplinary measures against the offender may imply physical punishment.

They consider torn hair, bruises and hematomas to be the norm. However, the law, which has become quite friendly to spanking on the street or at home, is still strict in relation to parents who regularly beat their children.

For beating a minor that caused physical pain, but did not cause health problems, and compulsory community service. The fact of family relations is not significant here.

Battery is a blow inflicted intentionally that causes physical pain.

To prove the fact of beatings, a forensic expert can record:

1. bruises (usually on soft tissues);
2. bruises and bruises;
3. superficial abrasions, wounds, hematomas.

Important: Violent actions against children also include tying up, restricting freedom in a cramped enclosed space, prolonged kneeling, especially on peas (there are also those among supporters of “traditional methods of education” who use such a barbaric method of punishment).

Differences between physical abuse and torture

Education using physical force cannot be considered beating. Disciplinary measures that involve striking for certain offenses are considered acceptable by some. Moreover, among the supporters of such methods there are even teachers and law enforcement officers.

It is believed that a child should clearly understand why this kind of punishment awaits him, and not live in constant fear that he will be hit, or even beaten.

The effectiveness of this method of education is highly questionable. If the law protects the physical integrity of citizens, then on what basis can it be violated in relation to the youngest Russians?

The usefulness of this method, which only convinces the child that the one who is stronger is right, also raises doubts. Paradox: a slap, a slap on the head, or a blow from a boss for a job done incorrectly will be perceived by any subordinate as, at best, an insult. But the same subordinate will consider it normal to hit his son for unfinished homework or a bad grade.

Supporters of physical punishment, no matter what family values ​​they refer to, are simply unable to apply other methods of education, are not smart and educated enough to establish a relationship with a child without causing him pain.

The consequences of even one blow can be very disastrous.

• The child withdraws into himself and does everything to prevent his parents from finding out about his misdeeds.
• There is growing distrust in the world, the family, and the state, which is unable to protect.
• The pain inflicted on a child in a family, in a home where he considered himself safe, makes him realize his own defenselessness against brute force and begin to either learn to respond to aggression with aggression, or to lie, dodge, hide information for which he can be punished, in any way. including illegal methods.

What is the penalty for beating children?

Many parents believe that the choice of educational measures is entirely their business. Whether or not they beat children should not be anyone's business. However, when it comes to cruelty, the law stands up to protect the interests of the child.

Moreover, punishment is different from punishment. If the mental state suffers, if the child ends up in a hospital bed, the unfortunate “educator” will also face punishment.

What laws govern it?

Reasons and motives

Among the reasons why parents physically punish a child or minor are family traditions of education, inability to cope with other methods of influence, uncontrollability of a son or daughter.

However, most often the root of the problem is the incompetence of mothers and fathers, inability to educate or unwillingness to fulfill the responsibilities of raising children. Often they take it out on children for failures at work and in their personal lives, considering them to be the culprits of all troubles.

Most often, beatings are inflicted on children under 5 years of age: the child is obviously helpless, he does not yet understand where and how to turn for help, or who to tell about the fact that he is being beaten.

Sometimes such children do not even know how to speak, or they have been told that it is shameful and forbidden to talk about such things with strangers, or minors are intimidated and are afraid of more serious punishment if they let slip about where they got the bruises.

As a rule, already at school, where children are in front of many strangers - peers, teachers, psychologists, it becomes impossible to hide the truth. Kids are already able to correctly assess the mood of their parents and the level of threat, run away, hide, and call for help.

Bruises and abrasions will certainly attract attention, and the student himself is able to talk frankly with the teacher. That is why the very facts of beatings of school-age children become known more often, but offenses and crimes against them occur less often in families.

Right to defense

Like every citizen of our country, a child has the right to protection. His interests can be represented by children’s rights ombudsmen, social educators, teachers, employees of guardianship authorities, departments for minors’ affairs and the protection of their rights,

No parent should think that the little man they born is completely theirs and they can do whatever they want with it.

Both the victim himself and neighbors and school employees can report an offense and demand the intervention of law enforcement agencies in a situation that threatens life and health.

Beaten by father

The child takes punishment from the father for granted, but what is worse is that the mother, the other person in her family, considers violence to be the norm and does not consider it necessary or is simply afraid to report the beatings. In this case, the testimony of witnesses and teachers, whose responsibilities also include protecting the child, is valuable.

Babysitter beating

It is not always possible to immediately notice the fact of beating, or even systematic beating of a child by a nanny. The baby will be afraid to say where he got the bruises; the nanny herself may intimidate him, saying that the parents will punish him in the same way for what he did.

Important! Parents are obliged to be vigilant, pay close attention to the appearance of wounds and bruises on the child’s body, and thoroughly find out where they came from. Rough treatment of a small child is simply unacceptable.

Conclusion

Or minors should not become the norm in any family. Each parent is responsible for the life, mental and physical health of their child.

But society as a whole is responsible for each of its young citizens, so parents who are aggressors should not get away with cruelty to children, beatings and torture.

If you find an error, please highlight a piece of text and click Ctrl+Enter.

We think that only dysfunctional parents who have addictions or mental problems can abuse their children. Normal parents, ordinary moms and dads, don’t beat, they educate. At least, it is rare that any adult is ready to admit out loud that he beats his child for a bad grade or an unwashed grade, that he gives a slap in the face because he got him, screams in anger. No, all this is done for good purposes, because he doesn’t understand it any other way.

Physical punishment is a tradition that dates back centuries. Perhaps that is why we do not see the main problem - the violence of the strong against the weak. Children are dependent on their parents in everything, who, instead of being adults, take the position of a victim: “I do this because I have to, you don’t understand, you don’t want to do as I say.” But a victim who has the power and authority to punish. By spanking, parents show that they do not know how to solve problems and find a common language with the child and at the same time show their weakness. They really can't because they are too weak to change themselves.

Psychologist Marina Baidyuk identified 5 reasons why parents continue to beat their children, even knowing that they are doing something wrong. Adults do not always understand the reasons that motivate them. If you figure out what really worries the parent, you can avoid violence in parenting.

Why do parents hit their children?

Cases of domestic violence against children are quite common. Children are subject to beatings not only in dysfunctional families, but also in quite intelligent ones, where the parents are successful, accomplished people who enjoy authority among colleagues and respect from management.

And at home they turn into tyrants, whose victims are the weakest in the family - children.

At the same time, not every parent is ready to admit that he beats his child. Most of them will vehemently deny it and even condemn it.

So why do parents, realizing that assault is the wrong method of education, continue to beat their children?

Causes of child abuse

As a psychologist, I would highlight several of the most common reasons why parents beat their children.

The desire to assert oneself. Every person needs to feel successful in at least some area - at work, at home, with friends, in their hobbies. He needs recognition of his merits by other people.

But what to do if he has not achieved anything in life: he has no friends, there are not enough stars in the sky at work, his character is such that his wife simply tolerates him? So such a parent finds an opportunity to raise his own self-esteem by hitting a defenseless child. “He won’t be able to fight back, which means I’m stronger, superior to him, have power over him.”

Such a person must be stopped immediately, otherwise he will finally believe in his impunity and become a domestic tyrant not only for children, but also for his wife, other relatives, and neighbors. This will definitely not end well.

The tradition of education that has developed in the family. In some families, it is customary to raise children using old-fashioned methods - using a belt. This is how their father and mother were taught life by their parents, and those by the previous generation. “Why come up with something new if these methods give their effect? We were beaten, and we grew up as human beings,” such people think.

But they forget that the world is becoming more and more civilized every year. And barbaric methods of education can be no less effectively replaced by others: a heart-to-heart conversation with the child, explaining to him your position and the benefits of doing the right thing, encouragement. And, most importantly, respectful attitude and communication as equals, and not from a position of strength.

Powerlessness and a feeling of one's own helplessness in trying to influence the child. Yes, I agree, with some children it can be difficult to resist slapping them on the head.

But if you cannot come to an amicable agreement with your child, then there will be no benefit from using force either. Therefore, the only way out is to look for an approach and those soul strings, the influence of which can have a positive effect. It's difficult, but being a parent is not an easy thing at all.

Sincere conviction that this method can instill in a child the correct manners, the desire to learn, and to obey his parents. It’s a pity to disappoint such people, but there will be no benefit from such upbringing.

You will only embitter your own son or daughter, make them fear you, but not respect you. Moreover, by using brute force, you raise a child into a complex person, unsure of himself, afraid not only to express, but even to have his own opinion.

This can leave a negative imprint on his entire life, depriving him of happiness and the possibility of self-realization.

Sexual dissatisfaction. It often happens that parents transfer failures in their personal lives onto their children simply because this is the easiest way to vent their anger and frustration.

The man has breakdowns in bed, and instead of seeing a doctor, he grabs his belt at the slightest fault of his son.

A woman suffers from a lack of intimacy with her husband and, in irritation, can severely punish a child for an insufficiently high grade or a mistake made in a dictation.

How to do without violence?

Is it possible to do without assault in raising children? I am convinced that yes. In no case do I call for abandoning punishment of a child for wrongdoing in principle. It is necessary and must correspond to the degree of the offense.

But I am sure that a much more severe punishment is not beatings, but moral influence.

1. First, understand the problem and help your child solve it. For example, he doesn't want to study. Talk to him first. Maybe his classmates are offending him, or the teacher is nagging him for no reason. In this case, act like an older comrade: sign up the child for wrestling so that he learns to defend himself, transfer him to another class or even school, help him find a field of activity where he will feel like an individual. Agree, these methods are much more effective than hitting the butt with a belt.
2. Learn to see individuals in your children. They are not your property, but people just like you, and have the same right to mistakes and human weaknesses. You don’t beat yourself up if you’re too lazy to do some housework or if you drank an extra bottle of beer. Therefore, if you think that your children are not assiduous or diligent enough in their studies, do not help around the house well, are rude and do not obey, then remember that you yourself are not ideal, and help them become better. Try to find activities for them that they like and channel their energy into a peaceful direction. It could be sports, handicrafts, creativity, books, any hobby. Sincerely rejoice at your child’s successes, be proud of him, encourage his hobbies. And he will grow up to be your true friend, grateful and sincerely loving his parents.
3. Look for more humane and effective parenting methods. Believe me, a heart-to-heart conversation, your sincere experience of a child’s bad deed will upset him much more than receiving a beating. Other methods can also be used. Your son finished the school year poorly, and you promised him a trip to the sea? Give up vacation with the whole family, let your son feel that it is his fault that not only he, but also you, were left without rest. Was your daughter rude to the teacher? Invite her to imagine you or your grandmother in the place of the teacher. How would she react if someone said to you what she said to another person? And go with her to the teacher to apologize.
4. And the most important rule is to learn to restrain your own emotions. Is your child being rude and disobeying? Try to calm down and not make hasty decisions. To do this, you can lock yourself in the bathroom, look at the water pouring from the tap, and place your palms under it. When the anger passes, go out and talk to the child, explain what he was wrong about and how his behavior offended you. Did your son bring a deuce? Act outside the box: instead of the screaming and punching he is used to, laugh with him. Agree, a bad grade is not the worst thing in life; in the end, it can be corrected.

But regaining the child’s trust will be very difficult.

My family is a beautiful shell. But behind the traditional barbecues, smiles and hospitality lie serious problems. In my twenties, I recognized them completely.

Childhood

I was the first child and until the age of four I remember only good things: apparently, childhood memory denies pain. But then the second child was born, and all attention shifted to him. This is not to say that it was difficult for me: to be completely happy, I needed to read books and play board games. At the age of five I was sent to a preschool class, and I made friends there. But I was not even allowed to talk to them on the phone. After the birth of my youngest, my grandmother most often took care of me, so already at the age of five I could easily prepare dolma and pies myself.

The first time my mother beat me badly was when I was six years old. For our family this was normal - all relatives do the same, in some places the father beats the children, and in others the mother. There are no words or conversations, there is only physical strength. In my life, the beatings did not stop until I entered the eleventh grade. I was scolded for everything - even for an extra word during the feast. One day, during some holiday, I approached my aunt and told her that I really liked the book with fairy tales that she gave me. After that, my mother hit me - it turned out that it was impossible to talk to this aunt. Mom beat me with or without reason: if you didn’t finish your porridge, you’d get hit in the face; if you didn’t fall asleep on time, you’d have to endure the blows wherever possible.

I grew up locked up: I wasn’t allowed to go out. My grandmother took me with her to the shops, but ordinary walks were strictly forbidden to me until my first year at university. While all my school friends went out, I sat at home and dealt with homework alone. Studying was a fixed idea for parents. For them, I had to always study with excellence, since childhood I was told that I would disgrace my family if I did not graduate from school with a gold medal, and from university with honors. That’s why I had a bunch of tutors from the third grade, but my parents at home were never interested in how I was doing at school.

Crucial moment

Mom practically didn’t leave the house, she had no friends - the result of dad’s prohibitions. He drank a lot and beat her - only now I understand what she experienced. Mom devoted herself completely to her youngest child, and I remained a supporting character on whom I could throw out any emotions.

At some point, there was a point of no return: I realized that I would never have friendly relations with my mother. I remember it like it was yesterday. I'm in second grade, I have a classmate, let's call him Egor. All the girls liked him, and so did I. One day I came home and told my mother that Yegor was handsome. Mom swooped in and beat me badly: she tore out my hair, threw me onto the tiles - I hit my head and broke my lip on the edge of the cabinet. Then mom left, leaving me on the floor. I cried, I was in a lot of pain, my head was cracking. And I realized that I would never tell my mother anything again.

Since then, she beat me many more times: in the fifth grade because I slept until twelve on a day off, in the ninth grade because I returned from school forty minutes late. But I didn’t treat it the same way as before. I was just waiting for a breath of fresh air.

Transitional age

The most difficult time was from fifth to seventh grade. I wanted to die every day. This was just the time when everyone started smoking, partying and going out. But for me this was all very distant: I was not allowed to do anything. Mom would beat me if I arrived fifteen minutes later than school ended. One day I went home with a friend who smoked (I myself tried cigarettes much later, as an adult, and I didn’t like it). Naturally, the smoke was absorbed into the jacket. As soon as I entered, my mother smelled the smell and beat me - she broke my lip and left a big bruise on my chest. There were too many stories of my mother beating me until I bled.

I learned about the female body, menstruation and sex at school. In fifth grade we had a lecture for girls, where we were told everything in detail. I told my mother about this, she said that I found out about it early, and slapped me in the face. I was twelve. My mother forbade me to get rid of any hair: on my legs, on my upper lip, and did not allow me to pluck my eyebrows until the ninth grade. I could only get my hair cut at her direction. In general, a lot of things happened in my life according to her will or at the “recommendation” of my father. My mother also forbade me to watch all the popular TV series at that time: I remember how I almost became the outcast among the girls in the class because I didn’t watch “Ranetok,” and then I wasn’t allowed to turn on “Daddy’s Daughters.”

When I was in the fifth or sixth grade, VKontakte appeared. I remember very well the time when we wrote on each other's walls and sent music. For my mother, I was not on the social network - she, of course, forbade it. But I started the page anyway; Mom found out and demanded the password, so I had to delete correspondence until the ninth grade. One day she read a correspondence with a boy I liked - we just talked, there were no hearts or kisses. Mom read the correspondence at night: at about three o’clock in the morning she woke me up, slapping me in the face. Then she beat me, and at the end she threw the phone at me with the words: “You are a disgrace to our family.”

From fifth to seventh grade, my eyes were always red and roaring. I cried a lot, mostly in the bathroom. Mom didn’t notice; they allowed me to close the door when I went to the shower. But in seventh grade, I found a solution to stop crying. There were scissors in the shower, I took them and cut myself. Not deep enough to leave light scratches. I was in pain and unpleasant, blood was flowing. But I felt that I didn’t want to cry, that I was drowning out the pain inside. This went on for three years: almost every day I made two cuts. I didn't want to die, but I wanted to not feel anything.

I didn’t like that I didn’t have my own life, that, according to my family’s ideas, I should be a girl who endures. I remember my grandmother even said that if my husband beats me, then I deserve it and there is no need to make a tragedy out of it. And I endured. She suffered humiliation because she thought differently. I tried many times to tell them all that I didn’t want to be a recluse, I didn’t want to be just a mother, and I didn’t want to endure beatings. But for these words I received bruises and teachings: “You were born into a family that honors ancestors and family traditions. We will not allow you to humiliate the entire family."

Marry

My father always told me that I should marry an Armenian. If my husband is a man of any other nationality, he will refuse me and will not let me into the door. It was planned that after the eleventh grade I would enter one of the faculties of Moscow State University: economics, law and Federal State University. This would be ideal for the father, because it is in these faculties that Armenian boys usually study, and boys with rich dads study in economics. Dad dreamed that while I was studying, I would find such a boy, fall in love, get married, give birth to grandchildren for him, and cook baklava with honey for the holidays.

But things didn't go according to his plan. At the beginning of the eleventh grade, I declared that I would not go anywhere except the faculty that I chose myself - and it was not one of the above. I dreamed about this since the seventh grade and told my parents about it. But they didn’t support me: my mother said that I wouldn’t learn any profession there, and my dad said that I wouldn’t achieve anything. Therefore, seeing my determination, closer to the end of school, I was sent to Armenia under the pretext of needing to rest before exams. I agreed because I was very tired of tutors and constant studying. But a surprise awaited me there.

I almost got married. We went to the mountains with a small group: my sisters, brother and two children of family friends, whom I saw for the first time in my life. We found ourselves in a small town in the mountains. I felt very good, I felt freedom: before that I could not go somewhere with friends. One evening one of the guys came up to me: “We need to talk.” I replied: “Of course.” Afterwards, he took me aside, got down on one knee and said: “Marry me.” I was shocked, I didn’t know what to say. After five minutes of silence, he continued: “Why aren’t you answering? Your father and I agreed on everything, he said that you will like me and you won’t mind.” This phrase completely finished me off, and I just left.

I have met such “fake suitors” several times. Dad accidentally introduced me to Armenian boys who seemed suitable to him, but I immediately made it clear to everyone that nothing would happen between us. Here we need to make a reservation and say a few words about these guys. They were all from wealthy and traditional families: in their world, wives do not work, they sit at home, cook, and raise children. A husband can beat his wife and cheat on her because he earns money. All the guys my father suggested were exactly like that.

All
is changing

Almost a year has passed since my life changed a lot. Now I am twenty years old, and, one might say, my parents abandoned me. They don't talk to me. Every day is humiliation. My father says that he spent a lot of money on me, that I am worthless and will never become anyone. All this is because of the path that I have chosen: for almost three years now I have been earning money and trying to provide for myself as much as possible. My father cannot forgive me that I did not become a person who corresponds to his ideas about life. That I lost my virginity at age twenty, before marriage. This happened to my only partner, with whom we have been together for almost two years.

My young man is Armenian, good, and his worldview does not at all coincide with the views of my father. He is calm about work, about studying, about the fact that I can go somewhere with my friends. In all the time we have been together, the rudest word I have heard addressed to me is “stupid.” I love him, and he loves me. But for my father, love does not exist, and he is against our relationship. My parents are so against it that I had to hide from them for a year that we were together. When they found out, they gave me real terror. My father and mother shouted that I was disgracing them, that I should break up with my boyfriend and find myself a “normal” one. It was very painful. The first time we had sex, by the way, was a few months after my parents found out the secret.

January 22 - on this day we had a row, I had a nervous breakdown, and then panic attacks began. I am being treated by a psychotherapist, taking pills. My parents don’t know anything, but they continue to say that I am a disgrace to the whole family. Because I won't have a diploma with honors. Because I'm not a virgin anymore. Because I decided to leave the oppression.